Announcement

Attention Real Dream Cabaret fans and castmembers: please stop the calls and emails asking me to swipe a pair of Don Paul's jockey shorts for you from the locker facilities at WIVB-TV. I mean, come on people, not only is it just flat-out rude but it also shows an incredible lack of respect for both Mr. Paul and me. If you want a pair of his shorts so badly, I suggest you get your ass over to ebay and bid like anyone else. Thank you.


P.S. My Jacquie Walker policy remains unchanged. Dude's got to eat, after all.

Frosty the Snowman

I've begun my yearly migration down from the North Pole, and I hope to make it to Buffalo a little early this year so I can get involved in the Cabaret again. Santa says that he's got a real cold blast ready to hit Buffalo by mid-October, and I'm looking forward to it. Nothing says fun like 4 feet of snow in one day!!!! Also, if anyone knows of any snow women out there, it's been a little lonely for me these past few years since my wife, Cranreuch, melted away. She always was slow to migrate, but women are just that way. Well, send some cold snow women my way, D-cup or larger, 36"round-24"round-36"round, NO FATTIES!!!! Well, I'll see you all real soon.

Coldly,
Frosty

Sperm

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Sigmund the Sufficient

Well, I must say that it's been quite a whirlwind of a summer. After I got upgraded yet again by the Magician's Guild to Sigmund the Sufficient, I began getting calls for all kinds of new work. I've recently joined the Federation of Corporate and Trade Show Magicians (FOCATSM), and that's led to some exciting and lucrative work. I recently opened for Gallagher at the Microsoft Summer Picnic (Bill Gates is a big Gallagher fan), and I got a gig on a USO tour, supporting the troops the only way I know how... with MAGIC! The soliders weren't very receptive, though. I think they wanted Jessica Simpson.

I'm very thankful that Ronawanda let me back into the Cabaret. It took a lot of convincing and threatening to get her to understand that it was all North Ronawanda who wanted to overthrow the Cabaret. I was tied up backstage the whole time, and N. Ronawanda was just impersonating me. I swear I'm just an honest magician who's trying to make a living doing the only thing I love... that's right.... MAGIC!

Well, I look forward to seeing my adoring fans again, and I hope I can provide a sufficiently enjoyable time to the audience.

Love Always,

Sigmund the Sufficient

Piaget the Mute Swine

I choose not to speak, but that does not mean my thoughts do not flow freely. My voice belongs to everyone. I am ephemeral, I am paper in flame, I am a living poem.

Ronawanda

Y'all, I am having SO MUCH f-u-n getting ready for the new run of cabaret shows! We have a new cast member (I don't know her pretend name yet, but her real one is Miss Anna), and some new puppet friends (last week I met Piaget the Mute Swine for the first time, and he is a real cutie-poot, once you get over the silent treatment), and a new set (say hello to windows!), and all kinds of other exciting changes in our make-believe world.

As if that weren't all, we have all kinds of side projects in the works, like two video adventures and a calendar and our own line of luge suits and ever so much more. We've even had our first cast illness of the season, which surely won't be the last (get well soon, Dora--you know we're all right behind you ... in the line for the emergency room).

On a personal note, last night I dreamed about my sister North Ronawanda. The dream was directed by Penelope Spheeris. NR and I were sitting on the beach playing parchesi, and all of a sudden she started speaking Olde English! At least I'm pretty sure that's what it was; I caught most of the plot of Beowulf in there, but also a little part of an episode of Caroline in the City from the mid-90s.

Man, that used to be my favorite show.

North Ronawanda

HEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Well, since my secret identity was discovered in February, and I was arrested for my plot to stop time, I've served the first 5 months of my 20 year sentence at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (though I have the possibility of parole in 15 years, and of course there are the many escape plans I'm busy hatching). Of course my blood is still boiling after my sister, Ronawanda, ratted me out. When she got up on the stand and said those awful things about me, well, lets just say she won't even know what hit her when I get out, which will hopefully be sooner than later.

I'm all jazzed up, though, because I'm going to be getting a new cell mate soon. I've been told that I'll be bunking with Martha Stewart once she starts serving her jail sentence. I was so excited when they told me I got my knickers all in a bunch. I'm hoping we'll have the cutest cell in the block, though I know I'll have the cutest cellmate in the block.

Well, God and shovel willing, I'll see y'all in October.

Ronawanda

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Just a note to kick things off here and tell all my Cabaret brothers and sisters how much I miss y'all. Can't wait to get to work on our grand return to our stage home at Rust Belt in two short months.

Well, actually I can wait just a while longer, because I am having the time of my LIFE here in Taos, NM, sipping margaritas on the porch of my new friends' condo (it is made ENTIRELY of adobe!) and listening to abrasive German techno while snorting horse tranquilizers.

How did I get here, and who are my new friends? Beats the hell out of me! I thought I was boarding a plane bound for my hometown of Tonawanda, Mississippi to recover from my recent botched celebrity makeover, but somehow I ended up walking through the wrong gate at the airport, and one thing led to another, and here I am. Let me tell you, there are some super nice people working in the baggage claim department of the Taos airport! They gave me a place to stay for as long as I want, one hot meal after another (not counting the icy cold gazpacho we had for lunch this afternoon), and an unlimited supply of drugs and alcohol. Talk about a real dream!

Admittedly, they seem to think I really am Tammy Wynette, and I haven't had the heart to break the news to them about her tragic death a few years back. I'm sure it will come up in conversation sooner or later, but for now I am living like a queen.

See y'all back in the Buff in a month or so--maybe sooner, maybe later.