Man in Black

Dearest Claire,

I have been watching you for quite some time. We will meet in due time, and when we do, you will scream out in the joy of pain and ectasy.

Love,
The Man in Black

Claire

I am so freaked out!

First I was stalked by this cult of three at the Tri-Main Center this weekend, and now I think there's a madman out to kill me! Oh, what am I going to do? I came home last night, and my door was unlocked, and I'm certain that I locked it on the way out. Then, when I took out the trash, there was a man dressed all in black standing at the end of my driveway. I was so terrified I didn't even take the trash out! Then, to top it all off, I had a dream that someone brutally stabbed me last night. My blood was just pouring out of my belly, and I could barely breath because of the gaping stab wound in my chest. I woke up gasping for air. Someone help!

Claire

I am so freaked out! Last night I had a dream that I was playing the most beautiful, complex organ with one of my favorite people, Tony Conrad. We were having the grandest time, and he just kept looking over at me and laughing in that wonderful way he does until 3 spirits flew in the window and took me away to a dark and dreary land populated by people with 3 eyes who could read all my thoughts. I was so scared that I just kept thinking "Relish Beats Carbohydrates" and they all left me alone. I'm so freaked out I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep for the next week! Someone help me! What am I going to do?!?!?!?!

Amanda Suzanne Khan

Silly, delusional Ronawanda. Everyone knows that Trimania is really a celebration of the birthday of William Jennings Bryan, the greatest presidential candidate ever, with his luscious brown locks and his deep, penetrating eyes that make me so hot. And his speeches just fill my heart with a longing that will never be squelched. If only I were born in 1890 instead of 1990. Well, I can't wait to celebrate the man I love to love with thousands of his adoring fans. This is going to be the best birthday party EVER!!!!!

Zombie Jesus

Grrrrrr.

Ronawanda

Y'all, I am SO EXCITED that we have been invited to perform at a Beatlemania convention this weekend! I don't know why they are calling it "TriMania," though. I guess they didn't get the memo that George Harrison died a few years ago (helllllllloo!!!), and they probably think there are still three Beatles. Anyway, we will have a booth on the third floor of the building, so please come look for us among the thousands of people who are sure to attend. It's a benefit for the Buffalo Arts Studio and Just Buffalo Literary Center, and I am looking forward to being among so many fellow Beatlemaniacs.

John was always my favorite. Sigh. The soul-searing vocals of his primal scream phase will haunt me forever. What about you?

i resolve.

vile sore.
.ore veils.
..evil rose.
...o servile.
....sire love.
.....or levies.
......visor eel.
.......re olives.
........oil verse.
.........eli roves.
..........over lies.

Ronawanda

Y'all, the new year is already gettin' old and I still haven't made my resolutions yet! So I hereby resolve to drag my ass to RESOLUTIONS, the film festival Hallwalls is holding at the Market Arcade Film & Arts Center this comin' weekend (Jan 21-22). In addition to a great collection of short films & videos from around the world, it will be a chance for me to see my bestest imaginary friends once again, cuz almost the whole Dream Cab posse will be in the lobby on Friday night before the show harassing innocent theater patrons.

Then, after Saturday night's screening, we'll be doing our first show of 2005 at Soundlab at the post-party around 10 p.m. This will be the fastest we've ever put a show together: just 24 hours, from conception to execution! (Hopefully there will be no actual execution, but with Dr. Milbrando on board, you know there's no telling what might happen.) Yes, we are 24-hour post-party people. And we invite you to come be part of it.

Webmaster's Report

Now that the October run of the Real Dream Cabaret is over, I've had some time to analyze the demographic data from our website tracking software. Here are a few excerpts from the complete report.

Search Query Report (the words people used to Google us)

1. Kitty Jung (3)
2. Realdreamcabaret.com (3)
3. Real Dream Cabaret (3)
4. Jeannine Giffear (2)
5. Brian Milbrand (2)
6. Milbrand Real Dream Cabaret (1)
7. Julie Perini (1)
8. Kendell Kelly (1)
9. Anna Chiaretta Buffalo (1)
10. Cabaret Scripts (1)
11. Real Dream Cabaret Buffalo October (1)
12. Aimee Goldberg 2004 (1)
13. Greg Kempf (1)
14. Brian Lampkin (1)
15. Kitty Jung Home (1)
16. Aimee Goldberg Johnny (1)
17. Peggy Shaw Scientology(1)
18. Anna Chiaretta (1)
19. Rust Belt Books Wittgenstein (1)
20. Ric Royer (1)

Webmaster's Note: Look guys, I don't mind coming in behind Kitty or Jeannine or Brian or even non-Cabaret folks like Kendell Kelly and Julie Perini. But I have to say that coming in behind "Peggy Shaw Scientology" rankles.

Days Ranked by Number of Webpage Hits

1. Wednesday (187)
2. Tuesday (176)
3. Monday (159)
4. Friday (146)
5. Thursday (141)
6. Saturday (123)
7. Sunday (95)

Busiest Hour of the Day

1. 4:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.

Work Day Traffic Expressed as Percentage of the Total

1. 42.5%

Jimmy Hoffa

I would sincerely like to thank the Cabaret audience for finding me. Those three minutes where I was finally found were the most exciting moments of my life. Sadly, though, I am lost again. After leaving the Cabaret that night, I was suddenly enveloped in a dense fog, and when the fog cleared, I found myself in a lush, dense forest. Right now, I'm hiding under a rock which mysteriously has an internet connection. If you wouldn't mind, the next time you see a rock, look under it and you may find me.

Thanks,
Jimmy

Frosty the Snowman

I just wanted to let everyone know of my progress in my annual migration south from the North Pole. I just finally arrived in Buffalo, NY today, following the trail of a small flurry. Buffalo truly is my favorite vacation spot. Between November and March, there is never a shortage of food (snow to you humans), and there are plenty of luscious ladies for me to swing with.

I do have one favor to ask of all Buffalonians, though. I would be very grateful if everyone wouldn't drive for the entire winter. You see, the dirt and black sludge your modes of transportation emit onto the ground become unsightly messes on my outfit, and the ladies never go for an untidy snowman. You'd really be helping me out if you just walked, biked or took the subway for the entire winter. Then, when the snow melts, and I skip town, you can go back to driving your filthy vehicles.

One other note... if Rime the Snowman comes looking for me, I'm not in town.

Frosty

Sigmund the Sad

Election Day was quite a sad day for me. First the "real" magician, Todd Nelson forced me off stage, after I accidentally pulled the handle off his sword, leaving the sword lodged in Security Mom's neck. Then, Bush was re-elected.

I've been asking myself over and over how this could happen, and then I realized that Bush is in with some really dark powers. During my stay in the Underworld, where I trained with the Devil himself, I met some other magicians who were training for more dastardly deeds than simply being able to tell someone psychically which card they selected. Dick the Dastardly, Colin the Cancerous and Donald the Distasteful were training their magical powers so they could fix the election for George W. Bush.

So now I have a magical answer for everyone who would like to reverse the decision reached through underhanded use of magical powers. Through my training with Satan, I have found out that you can truly make people disappear at will, never to return to the face of the earth. Of course, there are a lot of people we will need to make disappear before we will get to a leader worth leading, but if everyone concentrates on George W. disappearing into thin air at midnight every night for the next month, at the end of the month he will evaporate, never to be seen again. We'll need a lot of mental power to make this work, so tell all of your friends and enemies to join in the fight, and we'll never have to hear the words Mission Accomplished, No Child Left Behind or Anti-Abortion again.

Sigmund the Sad

Ronawanda

People who weren't there keep askin' how our Election Night show went, and hell, y'all, what can I say? It was what it was. Great dream, bad reality. Started like a party, ended like a wake (complete with fanTAStic music from our house band, the Dixieland Grifters, who played us out with a nice little jazz funeral music for cryin' and dancin'). We laughed and we cried and we did the only thing we could do under the circumstances: we joined together with our friends and put on a HELL of a show. I can't IMAGINE bein' anywhere else that night, that's fer sure. Thank you, Raging Grannies, Steve Kurtz, David Butler, Jody Lafond, Todd Nelson, Jan Nagle, and Ted Pelton, for sharin' our teensy tiny stage with us, too!

Bear in mind, I'm just a fictional character and I only exist onstage and in these words here, but fer GAWD's sake, I gotta live through all this just like the rest of y'all! During the show itself all I could really think about was what I was gonna wear next (didn't count the costume changes but I think it was a personal record), but lemme tell you the full shock of the election hit home the next morning, along with a killer hangover. (I never touch a drop during shows, but our dear friend The Wine Guy was in the audience Tuesday, and as soon as the performance ended--around 2 or 2:30 AM?--the vino started flowin' inta my veins.)

Mah honey said when it was all over that the next run of Cabaret shows will have to be in Canada cuz we won't be allowed to play in Bush's America anymore. The hell we won't! I talk a lot about movin' out of the country, but that would just be letting the REAL terrorists (the ones with "Four More Years" stickers on their fuckin' SUVs) win. As long as I have any say in the matter, my ass is stayin' put. I'll be DAMNED if I'll let my country fall into the hands of jackasses. (You might think it's there now, but as long as we're so goddammed "divided" as a nation, there's still a shitload of us who DO NOT AGREE with the powers that be.)

On to brighter pastures: now that our month of shows is over, we're plannin' what to do next. So lemme throw it out there to alla y'all who come to our shows and read our funkyass blog... Want some say in our future? You might not feel like you have a say in your COUNTRY's future lately, but WE wanna hear what you think about what our little gang of make-believers has done so far and where we oughta go next. (Fer instance: Are you one of those people who want to see us set up in a bigger establishment, or do you like the funky 30-seat AHMbiAHNCE of our Rust Belt home? Is it important to you that our show change 100% every 2 performances, or do you care? Are there topics or themes you wanna see us take on? And so on.) Tell us anything that's on yer mind. And even if you don't have nuthin' to say about our cabaret, feel free to vent about the fucked-up decision our nation just made, too. Whatever floats yer boat or sinks the status quo's. Spill it! Puhllllleeeeeease! This space is YER space...

DJ (Demon Jacob)

Why Not Guy, you will rue the day you fucked with a demon. I swear, I will have your head on a platter with a side of deviled eggs and swiss cheese. You haven't seen the last of me.

DJ

Claire

I AM SO FREAKED OUT!

There doesn't seem to be any grey zones any more. My dreams are either the most fantastical, etherial dreams about flying and having sex with Johnny Knoxville at the same time, or they're the most horrifying visions I have ever had. Just last night, I had this nightmare about Clarivan, this new laundry detergent which was also a concentrated beverage. It turned out, however, that the United States government were actually packaging it to sell to poor people to kill them so that there would be less people to drain Social Security resources. I know I have been known to have clairevoyant dreams, but if anything of this nature happens, well, I'm just going to have to stop living in my dream world and do something about it.

Love and kisses,
Claire

Frosty the Snowman

I will be unable to attend this week's Cabaret, due to the fact that it sounds quite hellish.

Best Regards,

Frosty

Nick the Nose

This is the last time I'll be contacting you before drastic measures are required. We have tried to work with you to return the money Mr. Brian stole from us last year, but have met with repeated excuses. If we don't recieve payment by Friday, we'll hit you where it hurts. Everywhere it hurts.

Nick the Nose

North Ronawanda

This is just a letter to call off my truce with my sister Ronawanda. I thought we had worked things out, after she tried to kill me and all, and I thought her invitation to rejoin the Cabaret was sincere. Instead she gave me some insane map, which led me to a very weird maze on an island, and suddenly I was being chased by some half-bull half-human creature, probably made by that creep Dr. Milbrando. Well, you can just go to hell Ronawanda.

Love,
Your Sister
North Ronawanda