Man in Black

Dearest Claire,

I have been watching you for quite some time. We will meet in due time, and when we do, you will scream out in the joy of pain and ectasy.

Love,
The Man in Black

Claire

I am so freaked out!

First I was stalked by this cult of three at the Tri-Main Center this weekend, and now I think there's a madman out to kill me! Oh, what am I going to do? I came home last night, and my door was unlocked, and I'm certain that I locked it on the way out. Then, when I took out the trash, there was a man dressed all in black standing at the end of my driveway. I was so terrified I didn't even take the trash out! Then, to top it all off, I had a dream that someone brutally stabbed me last night. My blood was just pouring out of my belly, and I could barely breath because of the gaping stab wound in my chest. I woke up gasping for air. Someone help!

Claire

I am so freaked out! Last night I had a dream that I was playing the most beautiful, complex organ with one of my favorite people, Tony Conrad. We were having the grandest time, and he just kept looking over at me and laughing in that wonderful way he does until 3 spirits flew in the window and took me away to a dark and dreary land populated by people with 3 eyes who could read all my thoughts. I was so scared that I just kept thinking "Relish Beats Carbohydrates" and they all left me alone. I'm so freaked out I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep for the next week! Someone help me! What am I going to do?!?!?!?!

Amanda Suzanne Khan

Silly, delusional Ronawanda. Everyone knows that Trimania is really a celebration of the birthday of William Jennings Bryan, the greatest presidential candidate ever, with his luscious brown locks and his deep, penetrating eyes that make me so hot. And his speeches just fill my heart with a longing that will never be squelched. If only I were born in 1890 instead of 1990. Well, I can't wait to celebrate the man I love to love with thousands of his adoring fans. This is going to be the best birthday party EVER!!!!!

Zombie Jesus

Grrrrrr.

Ronawanda

Y'all, I am SO EXCITED that we have been invited to perform at a Beatlemania convention this weekend! I don't know why they are calling it "TriMania," though. I guess they didn't get the memo that George Harrison died a few years ago (helllllllloo!!!), and they probably think there are still three Beatles. Anyway, we will have a booth on the third floor of the building, so please come look for us among the thousands of people who are sure to attend. It's a benefit for the Buffalo Arts Studio and Just Buffalo Literary Center, and I am looking forward to being among so many fellow Beatlemaniacs.

John was always my favorite. Sigh. The soul-searing vocals of his primal scream phase will haunt me forever. What about you?