Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sorry Guys!

Just a quick note to let everyone know I won't be able to make it to the John Lennon tribute at Nietzche's next Thursday. I'm heading up to Montreal for a week or so - all this war stuff has really got me freaking out, and I need to just hole up in a hotel room with my Stephin Merritt CDs and a Lil' Abner anthology. I got kick-ass rates for a room at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel on Watch, there probably won't be a bed.

Friday, August 05, 2005

It's All a Sham!!!

The truth will come out!!! Freedom-hating Al Qaeda supporters and "alleged" "entertainers" the Real Dream Cabaret are trying to ruin everything that decent Americans hold dear. These flag-burning baby-killing cross-dressing Toyota-driving foreign film-watching Bush-bashing "actors" want you to think the new Supreme Justice Tim was chosen for his fairness and balance, and for winning certain "challenges" at the Super Intense Decision Show. As Bob Novak would say, this is bullshit! Nothing could be further from the truth! He is actually a personal friend of several RDC members chosen because he could be counted on to advance their ultra-left wing special interest agenda. I have it on good authority from a secret operative working undercover with these degenerates that Gay Sasquatch marriage is only the first step down a slippery slope of immorality where family values have long since been eroded away by the powerful current of the atheists pissing on the Bible and the Second Amendment of the Constitution. What next? Loch Ness Monster adoptions? Bat Boy serving in the military? After all, God created Adam and Eve not Gay Sasquatch and Steve.

Friday, July 29, 2005


Y'all, I have just made a HUGE decision: I am going to be performing with the rest of the Real Dream Cabaret at Squeaky Wheel in Buffalo after all! My former manager and longtime lover Monte Stein called me out of the BLUE last week to try and persuade me to do a gig at the Teacher's Pet School Supply Store in Atlanta, but that place just gave me the CREEPS for some reason when I was down there for a visit. Monte never did know what was best for me, so after several sleepless nights I just burst into song--as I so often do--and said/sang, "I am TELLING you, I am NOT GOING!"

It was the hardest decision I have had to make since that whole Nader/Gore mess back in 2000. And by an amazing coincidence, the next Cabaret show is all about decisions, which is why it's called the SUPER INTENSE DECISION SHOW. Here's the dates and times. Pay attention cuz they're kinda funny:

Thursday, August 4th at 8 PM
Friday, August 5th at 9 PM
Saturday, August 6th at 2 PM
Sunday August 7th at 4 PM

Cost: Your Hourly Wage

The show is part of the Buffalo InFRINGEment Festival, which features over 125 performances in 11 days, from July 28-August 7. There's all kinds of amazing events, like puppet shows and street performances and an all-female version of Glengarry Glen Ross and one play that takes place in a series of parked cars. This site will give you all the details on all the shows. Oh, and this site contains viewer feedback on individual shows, the whole festival, etc.See y'all there!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Subcommander Zero

It was inevitable. Subcommander One and I, Lutheran terrorists for the past two years, sending our message of Christian ideals through violence, have gone straight. Because we were quickly rising on the FBI's most wanted list, the government has decided to co-opt our activities, hiring us to run terrorist drills across the country. We've been hired so the government can show all the good people of America, through extreme role-playing and broadcasts on local news channels, how effective the government is at erradicating terrorism. It's just really nice that all the hard work we've done has finally paid off with a big check from George W. It's also interesting that when people don't feel threatened they seem to listen to our message more. We've had more recruits to our radical Lutheran cause since becoming professional United States terrorists than through all of our bomb threats, kidnappings and plane hijackings combined! We'll be performing our terrorist drill all across the country this summer. If you want to see how effective your government is, come check us out at the following venues:

Bop Brick Oven Pizza in Baltimore, MD on July 2nd
Golfzilla Driving Range in Temple Hills, MD on July 3rd
Chevy Chase Arcade and Barbershop in Washington DC on July 4th
Touchables: The Bra Store in Philadelphia, PA on July 6th
Tong-Tong Chinese Restaurant in Cleveland, OH on July 8th
Wesley's Shoe Corral in Chicago, IL on July 10th
A Sight for Sport Eyes in Portland, OR on July 12
Good Vibrators in San Francisco, CA on July 14th
Northridge Skateland in Northridge, CA on July 15th
Camelback Sunset Chapel Funeral Home in Phoenix, AZ on July 17th
Zinger Hardware and General Store in Austin, TX on July 20th
Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Cafe in New Orleans, LA on July 22nd
The Teacher's Pet School Supply Store in Atlanta, GA on July 24th
American Artificial Limbs and Braces in Miami, FL on July 26th
Happy Holiday Tours in New York, NY on July 28th

We'll then be returing to our home town to show them what the US government is made of at Buffalo's First Annual Infringement Festival in Buffalo, NY August 4th - 7th.

We hope to see you at one of these great events!

Subcommander Zero

Friday, June 03, 2005

Building a better rainbow

Y'all, it is so exciting to be part of the Buffalo Pride Parade this Sunday. I am proud all the time, and I try to explore the other six deadly sins as often as my busy schedule permits, too.

My Cabaret family and I are using the parade as a golden opportunity to kick off our exciting new campaign to BUILD A BETTER RAINBOW. The pride flag is pretty and all, but it just seems kind of ... limiting sometimes. There are all kinds of colors in the universe, ya know. And if they can add a new color of M&M's, shouldn't we be able to spruce up our own brand a little more?

This is all about freedom of choice, so head right over to our online poll and cast your vote today! And share your comments, either there or right here.

See you at the parade!

PS. That's Sunday, June 5, starting at Kleinhan's at 1PM and heading up Elmwood Avenue to Bidwell Park.

Monday, May 09, 2005

North Ronawanda

Hey Ronawanda,

I just wanted to say how fabulous you looked at Mr. Ehmke's performance at the Burchfield-Penney. You're really going all out these days, with all your beautiful flowers pinned to your clothes. I guess it just shows that you can be as beautiful as I am if you prepare yourself for more that three minutes. I do think Mr. Ehmke did hog the show a bit, giving you a mere 5 minutes of time, when you should have been running the show. I think you should take a page from my book, and send him away in a tempest, so you can claim your rightful place as the Queen of Everything. I'm hoping he'll give you a bit more time when you visit my hometown of North Tonawanda on May 21st at the Carnegie Art Center. I'll be very disappointed if I come for the cream filling and all I get is stale Hostess cake. Not that I don't like Mr. Ehmke. He just doesn't have your grand charms. He doesn't give candy to strangers, either. Well, Miranda sends her love (though she's giving most of her love to some Slick Willy who claims he used to be president. That little hussy, leaving me home all alone night after night, with nothing but Despearte Housewives and a bottle of Tequila Rose to keep me company, sobbing over lost loves, aching for some attention). And we should get together real soon. We haven't had a girls night out in ages.

North Ronawanda

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


Y'all, I totally have to put in a plug for my cameo appearance in my alter ego's show this weekend (4/28-4/30/05). You can get the details here. It ain't the Cabaret, but I'll be there, all the same. Hope you will be, too. (Plus the Cabaret's own Kitty Jung and Jack Papier directed it--bold new territory for one and all.)

And y'all be watchin' here for news on the return of the Real Dream, too. One place you'll probably find us this summer is at the upcoming Buffalo Infringement Festival at the end of July and the beginning of August. Click on the site and y'all can not only find out about the festival but propose a performance of yer own! It's gonna be a sweaty summer funfest you won't wanna miss.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Man in Black

Dearest Claire,

I have been watching you for quite some time. We will meet in due time, and when we do, you will scream out in the joy of pain and ectasy.

The Man in Black


I am so freaked out!

First I was stalked by this cult of three at the Tri-Main Center this weekend, and now I think there's a madman out to kill me! Oh, what am I going to do? I came home last night, and my door was unlocked, and I'm certain that I locked it on the way out. Then, when I took out the trash, there was a man dressed all in black standing at the end of my driveway. I was so terrified I didn't even take the trash out! Then, to top it all off, I had a dream that someone brutally stabbed me last night. My blood was just pouring out of my belly, and I could barely breath because of the gaping stab wound in my chest. I woke up gasping for air. Someone help!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


I am so freaked out! Last night I had a dream that I was playing the most beautiful, complex organ with one of my favorite people, Tony Conrad. We were having the grandest time, and he just kept looking over at me and laughing in that wonderful way he does until 3 spirits flew in the window and took me away to a dark and dreary land populated by people with 3 eyes who could read all my thoughts. I was so scared that I just kept thinking "Relish Beats Carbohydrates" and they all left me alone. I'm so freaked out I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep for the next week! Someone help me! What am I going to do?!?!?!?!

Amanda Suzanne Khan

Silly, delusional Ronawanda. Everyone knows that Trimania is really a celebration of the birthday of William Jennings Bryan, the greatest presidential candidate ever, with his luscious brown locks and his deep, penetrating eyes that make me so hot. And his speeches just fill my heart with a longing that will never be squelched. If only I were born in 1890 instead of 1990. Well, I can't wait to celebrate the man I love to love with thousands of his adoring fans. This is going to be the best birthday party EVER!!!!!

Zombie Jesus


Monday, March 14, 2005


Y'all, I am SO EXCITED that we have been invited to perform at a Beatlemania convention this weekend! I don't know why they are calling it "TriMania," though. I guess they didn't get the memo that George Harrison died a few years ago (helllllllloo!!!), and they probably think there are still three Beatles. Anyway, we will have a booth on the third floor of the building, so please come look for us among the thousands of people who are sure to attend. It's a benefit for the Buffalo Arts Studio and Just Buffalo Literary Center, and I am looking forward to being among so many fellow Beatlemaniacs.

John was always my favorite. Sigh. The soul-searing vocals of his primal scream phase will haunt me forever. What about you?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

i resolve.

vile sore.
.ore veils.
..evil rose.
...o servile.
....sire love.
.....or levies.
......visor eel. olives.
........oil verse.
.........eli roves.
..........over lies.

Monday, January 17, 2005


Y'all, the new year is already gettin' old and I still haven't made my resolutions yet! So I hereby resolve to drag my ass to RESOLUTIONS, the film festival Hallwalls is holding at the Market Arcade Film & Arts Center this comin' weekend (Jan 21-22). In addition to a great collection of short films & videos from around the world, it will be a chance for me to see my bestest imaginary friends once again, cuz almost the whole Dream Cab posse will be in the lobby on Friday night before the show harassing innocent theater patrons.

Then, after Saturday night's screening, we'll be doing our first show of 2005 at Soundlab at the post-party around 10 p.m. This will be the fastest we've ever put a show together: just 24 hours, from conception to execution! (Hopefully there will be no actual execution, but with Dr. Milbrando on board, you know there's no telling what might happen.) Yes, we are 24-hour post-party people. And we invite you to come be part of it.