Thursday, June 30, 2005

Subcommander Zero

It was inevitable. Subcommander One and I, Lutheran terrorists for the past two years, sending our message of Christian ideals through violence, have gone straight. Because we were quickly rising on the FBI's most wanted list, the government has decided to co-opt our activities, hiring us to run terrorist drills across the country. We've been hired so the government can show all the good people of America, through extreme role-playing and broadcasts on local news channels, how effective the government is at erradicating terrorism. It's just really nice that all the hard work we've done has finally paid off with a big check from George W. It's also interesting that when people don't feel threatened they seem to listen to our message more. We've had more recruits to our radical Lutheran cause since becoming professional United States terrorists than through all of our bomb threats, kidnappings and plane hijackings combined! We'll be performing our terrorist drill all across the country this summer. If you want to see how effective your government is, come check us out at the following venues:

Bop Brick Oven Pizza in Baltimore, MD on July 2nd
Golfzilla Driving Range in Temple Hills, MD on July 3rd
Chevy Chase Arcade and Barbershop in Washington DC on July 4th
Touchables: The Bra Store in Philadelphia, PA on July 6th
Tong-Tong Chinese Restaurant in Cleveland, OH on July 8th
Wesley's Shoe Corral in Chicago, IL on July 10th
A Sight for Sport Eyes in Portland, OR on July 12
Good Vibrators in San Francisco, CA on July 14th
Northridge Skateland in Northridge, CA on July 15th
Camelback Sunset Chapel Funeral Home in Phoenix, AZ on July 17th
Zinger Hardware and General Store in Austin, TX on July 20th
Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Cafe in New Orleans, LA on July 22nd
The Teacher's Pet School Supply Store in Atlanta, GA on July 24th
American Artificial Limbs and Braces in Miami, FL on July 26th
Happy Holiday Tours in New York, NY on July 28th

We'll then be returing to our home town to show them what the US government is made of at Buffalo's First Annual Infringement Festival in Buffalo, NY August 4th - 7th.

We hope to see you at one of these great events!

Subcommander Zero


Anonymous said...

Peace Through Terror! Come see our show! We love everyone!

--Subcommander One

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