Wednesday, August 18, 2004

North Ronawanda

HEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Well, since my secret identity was discovered in February, and I was arrested for my plot to stop time, I've served the first 5 months of my 20 year sentence at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (though I have the possibility of parole in 15 years, and of course there are the many escape plans I'm busy hatching). Of course my blood is still boiling after my sister, Ronawanda, ratted me out. When she got up on the stand and said those awful things about me, well, lets just say she won't even know what hit her when I get out, which will hopefully be sooner than later.

I'm all jazzed up, though, because I'm going to be getting a new cell mate soon. I've been told that I'll be bunking with Martha Stewart once she starts serving her jail sentence. I was so excited when they told me I got my knickers all in a bunch. I'm hoping we'll have the cutest cell in the block, though I know I'll have the cutest cellmate in the block.

Well, God and shovel willing, I'll see y'all in October.

Friday, August 06, 2004


Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Just a note to kick things off here and tell all my Cabaret brothers and sisters how much I miss y'all. Can't wait to get to work on our grand return to our stage home at Rust Belt in two short months.

Well, actually I can wait just a while longer, because I am having the time of my LIFE here in Taos, NM, sipping margaritas on the porch of my new friends' condo (it is made ENTIRELY of adobe!) and listening to abrasive German techno while snorting horse tranquilizers.

How did I get here, and who are my new friends? Beats the hell out of me! I thought I was boarding a plane bound for my hometown of Tonawanda, Mississippi to recover from my recent botched celebrity makeover, but somehow I ended up walking through the wrong gate at the airport, and one thing led to another, and here I am. Let me tell you, there are some super nice people working in the baggage claim department of the Taos airport! They gave me a place to stay for as long as I want, one hot meal after another (not counting the icy cold gazpacho we had for lunch this afternoon), and an unlimited supply of drugs and alcohol. Talk about a real dream!

Admittedly, they seem to think I really am Tammy Wynette, and I haven't had the heart to break the news to them about her tragic death a few years back. I'm sure it will come up in conversation sooner or later, but for now I am living like a queen.

See y'all back in the Buff in a month or so--maybe sooner, maybe later.